My husband has a 30-year-old son who has struggled with drugs and mental illness for several years. This young man has been made financially possible by both his parents, but his mother in particular covers all but two of the past decade's expenses (while he jumped on to work).
During the last 12 months of unemployment, my husband convinced my son to seek help. As he had no medical insurance, my husband agreed to cover the costs of his psychiatric visits and medications – and he later explained that it was “not my best decision” – he added his son as a user to one of his credit cards and was able to pay for these visits and medications.
It didn't work. My husband is now blocking his card and just unlocking it for “approved” medical expenses. I agreed to help him until his son stood up, but I think my husband should get his credit card back as he has a new lucrative job, is “clean” and has his own medical insurance (his son hasn't used his card for several months).
I think it sends the wrong message even if it's blocked. My husband is hesitant to ask for it. He didn't rock the boat, so he didn't do anything.
What is the best way to approach this with his son?
stepmother
Related: “She acted as the mother I grew up in”: After my father passed away, my stepmother remarried. How can I request my inheritance?
Dear Stepmother,
Finally, not about one letter, but from my stepmother. Hallelujah!
Whatever your step-son did, and what you and your husband did as parents worked. I agree that giving credit cards to someone with active addiction was probably not the cleverest decision. From your letter, I made a non-medical purchase. But your husband blocked the card and your son-in-law found a way to get back to drinking and healthy.
He needs to be satisfied with having that conversation before your husband approaches the subject of a credit card. It's not enough to just want his son to return the card. Your husband will need to be on board too. Parent-child relationships, and responsibility, love, and yes, fear are very different from your more objective perspective.
Assuming your husband agrees, he should be as honest and transparent as possible only if he does. “I'm proud of you and everything you've achieved. I think you've reached your place of recovery where we can ritually hand over the cards, despite the non-surgical nature of the cards.”
But I am not necessarily at Lockstep with your logic that your son-in-law who has this credit card is blocked, but with his possession he sends the message that he will bail him out again. You see it as a reminder of your husband, as you see, that he is a Moricodded enabler of his son. But he and his son may look at it differently.
If everything is going well, why drag that past to humiliate or lightly mean him by asking for this card?
Perhaps this card symbolizes an act of protection or love towards your stepson. No matter how far his life had gone, his father was there to pick him up and help him get back on the right track. It also helps relieve your son-in-law's anxiety. If he loses his job, his father will be there in some way, financially or otherwise, to give his helping hand.
Your son-in-law is paid. Do not allow your res or malicious intentions to affect your own judgments. If everything is going well, why drag that past to humiliate or lightly mean him by asking for this card? It also shows a lack of trust and given the card is blocked, retrieving it seems like a victory for Pyrrhus.
For other parents in similar circumstances: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services branch, the Department of Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services, offers advice on how to open conversations with loved ones. “Identify the right time and place. Express your concerns and be direct. Acknowledge their feelings and listen. We will provide help. Be patient.”
Obviously, if your step-son had increased thousands of dollars in credit card debt, your husband would have been responsible. His credit score is not your son-in-law and risks being abused. Do you think providing a credit card to an adult child was a wise idea? no. But reclaiming it will not restore it.
If you or a family member need help with a mental or substance use disorder, please call Samhsa's national helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889, text your postal code to 435748 (help4u), or use Samhsa's Department of Behavioral Health Services. You can also find Samhsa's family-friendly resources and advice here.
Other resources for people with families with addiction problems include: The Center for Motivation and Change published “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Helps People Change.” After working in the field of addiction for 40 years, Dr. Robert Myers has developed a craft approach to encourage families to engage in treatment.
Related: My daughter no longer spoke to me or my husband, laughing at the value of our family. Will we separate her from the $2 million inheritance?
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Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
“Is this ethical?” I want to leave my home to my home from my first marriage – not my second husband.
I want to leave my house to my house from my first marriage – not my second husband. Is that wrong?
“I am the only child”: My father left my $50 million property with my stepmother in irrevocable trust. I inherited $1 million. Is this reasonable?
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