To our shareholders and customers
From: You are the CEO
It's time again for Bitcoin's annual report. It's a real pain and it gets in the way of whatever we do all day, which is buy and sell, but the stupid bureaucrats at the SEC demand it. First, let me say with pride that 2023 was a great year for our company. Oh, sure there was a pointless investigation by the FBI, two Congressional hearings, and somehow the International Court of Justice in The Hague got involved – remember never to hire the Wagner Group again – but things will work fine. My trial for embezzlement, mail fraud, and witness intimidation is scheduled for August of this year, but I have hired Delay, Derail & Drag Out, a legal team hired by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. The team applied to postpone my trial for a while. After 2035.
We have received several, even hundreds, of inquiries regarding changes in our stock price. We announced our IPO at $400 and quickly soared to $1.50, but Trump Media & Technology Group Corp., parent company of Truth Social, opened at about $70 a share when it went public on March 26th. Remember the case? But then the income statement was released. According to these numbers, the company only made $4 million in revenue last year, about the same amount as the average McDonald's franchise, and lost $58.2 million. Each share is worth (currently) $26.61. But if Donald Trump is re-elected president, we can expect the company to boom, just like sales of his golden tennis shoes and Bibles.
As a result of our somewhat unstable financial situation, I have replaced our executives. Our former treasurer became a state witness, his bookkeeper was placed under the Federal Witness Protection Program, and our former auditor disappeared with last quarter's earnings. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it's all politics. The company is hiring a graduate of Trump University's Bernie Madoff School of Accounting as its new COO. We also replaced several members of our board of directors. To bring order and unity to the Board meeting, I have invited Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. She has a quietly stable record. She may have heard of Sam Banksman-Fried, the founder of the crypto empire FTX. He should join us in overturning his completely unjust 25-year prison sentence for stealing $8 billion from his customers. Come on, come on. Isn't Texas the land of second chances? Those remaining on the board are experts in Bitcoin management. My mom, wife, three kids, and Poofy, who brings smiles to all of us with his playful, wagging tail.
In response to recommendations to diversify from the cryptocurrency business, a move into casinos and hotels in Haiti didn't go as planned, and a Ukrainian pizza parlor in Moscow didn't go as planned, but Sludge We are proud to announce the acquisition of Energy Company. We bought at rock bottom after the Baytown refinery explosion and subsequent fire unfortunately spread to parts of downtown League City, Pasadena, and Galena Park. Despite the false accusations made by OSHA experts, I am confident that the case will soon be resolved without an admission of guilt. Additionally, the company's connection to the Amarillo refinery fire that sparked the Panhandle fire is purely circumstantial. As I explained to EPA inspectors over a three-martini lunch with a few souvenirs, my job as an EMS worker, my job as a lawyer, my job as a funeral director, and my accompanying florist job. is work. they understood. Meanwhile, at the state level, Gov. Greg Abbott is blaming illegal immigration and public school fires. Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick is suspected of being a transgender arsonist.
I'm sure some of you are wondering what virtual currency is and what Bitcoin does. Bitcoin (not Bitcoin) is money that isn't actually money. So it's not like a coin that you can hold, it's all written on paper and moved electronically from buyer to seller or from place to place. trust me. Because Bitcoin is pseudonymous, no one knows who owns it, who sells it, or where it is, and Bitcoin is used by spies, drug lords, and shady government leaders. Banned in some countries. Nevertheless, in 2021 El Salvador adopted it as legal tender. no kidding. In real terms he costs $70,549.00 per share. Some investors think the price will soon reach $100,000, and they've already made a lot of money. However, many economists question Bitcoin's reliability, calling it esoteric financial terms such as “scam,” “worthless,” and “magic bean.”
A quick background: Bitcoin was created in 2009 by Satoshi Takemoto, which is a pseudonym for the person who introduced the concept. No one seems to know. Satoshi Takemoto may actually be a Japanese war criminal hiding in Argentina. What we do is invest your funds in Bitcoin after thoroughly researching trends, recommendations from market experts, and solid, thorough research. Wikipedia is probably the most helpful resource in this regard. For all you weak-minded skeptics who have decided that the entire Bitcoin industry is nothing more than a slimy Ponzi scheme and want your money back, grab your number and get in line. And for those who actually want to go shopping or purchase something using Bitcoin, El Salvador is said to be wonderful at this time of year.
Returning to the annual report, we updated our office equipment to avoid malfunctions due to hacks and leaks. Therefore, we provided each employee in the accounting department with a new, top-quality abacus. We also have new ribbons for typewriters. As for our employees (previously known as serfs, wage slaves and servants), everything is calm on the labor front, thanks to the aforementioned Wagner group.
Finally, we'll save the best news for last. Bitcoin will become more diverse. We are selling golden tennis shoes and Bibles.
Ashby sells at ashby2@comcast.net.
